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SMART FINANCE. DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

Gordon was the proprietor of a bar in Glasgow. He realises that virtually all of his customers are unemployed alcoholics and as such can no longer afford to patronise his bar.

To solve this problem, he comes up with a new marketing plan that allows his customers to drink now, but pay later. Gordon keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Gordon's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into his bar. Soon he has the largest sales volume for any bar in Glasgow.

By providing his customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Gordon gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, he substantially increases his prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Gordon's gross sales volume increases massively.


A young and dynamic president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Gordon's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern because he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS. These 'securities' are then bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb - and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Gordon's bar. He so informs Gordon.

Gordon then demands payment from his alcoholic patrons. But, being unemployed alcoholics - they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since Gordon cannot fulfil his loan obligations he is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Gordon's 11 employees lose their jobs. Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community. The suppliers of Gordon's bar had granted him generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off his bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

His wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, his beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion pound no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never even been in Gordon's bar.


Now do you understand?

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China and the giant auditorium is packed to the roof with excited fans. In a bid to break the ice with the huge audience, he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the front row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then swings into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes absolutely wild with excitement! But, the same chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and absolutely tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of Stevie's musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese guy jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Stevie is getting really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "Okay, smart arse, you get up here and do it!" The little bloke climbs onto the stage, grabs hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say, I ruv you..."





A young boy goes up to his father and asks him "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" He pondered for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that".

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" Mum replied "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His sister replied "Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" 

The boy then went to his brother and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course" the brother replied. "Do you know what a million bucks would buy?" 

The boy thought about the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied "Yes. 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars... but 'realistically' we're living with two sluts and a queer.






-Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. -Bishop Sheen







A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels".

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots". He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks".

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt". He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.". Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired".